River And A Gun
by LavenderAndTime
Summary: Start with River Song. Add one gun. Finally, stir in a bit of Captain Jack Harkness, and you've got a recipe for disaster. Completely random humor... One-shot.


_River And A Gun_

If one were to hypothesize a likely scenario based solely on the Doctor's forlorn expression, they might assume some alien entity had finally succeeded in destroying every last bow tie in the universe. This wasn't close to being the problem, however. No, no, he'd stopped _that_ reality-ending apocalypse weeks ago.

Instead, it was a gun. More precisely, the technologically advanced alpha meson blaster River Song currently clutched in her closed fist. He hated guns- nearly detested them- but somehow, he couldn't argue when she brought one out. The last time he'd tried, River simply batted her long eyelashes, smirked coquettishly, and then planted a big kiss right on his lips. There was an awful lot of flapping involved, but her tactics must have worked; he didn't utter a single word the rest of that evening.

Today's objective was showing off her new 'toy'.

The Doctor's staring session began at the leather holster at her hips, and then slowly roamed up to the sleek blaster. The squishy black rubber of the gun's grip bulged in between her fingers.

"This is the latest technology," she bragged, and showily primed the deadly device. "One shot from this will stop the heart dead, no mess."

Before River could continue, a stranger placed their hand on her shoulder.

"_Hello_, Captain J-"

The Doctor watched desperately as River- in a cloud of confusion- defensively spun around and shot the mystery man. The blast of meson energy hit him in the middle of the chest, knocking him to the ground.

"River!" he shouted, horrified at what she had done. He stumbled over to the man, and it was then he realized who he was. Meanwhile, River stood stiff in shock, still holding the gun at point. Eventually, she willed her muscles to move, and thrusted the meson blaster into the holster at her hips. She fell to her knees next to the man's body.

"Oh, I'm sorry... I'm so sorry," she whispered to him, and then looked up at the Doctor in remorse. "I honestly didn't mean to _shoot_ anyone!"

"And now you see why I don't like guns... Because _this_ could happen," he said, motioning at the body. River ignored him, putting her head close to the man's chest. "River? _River?_ What are you doing?"

"I'm helping him!" River snapped back. "Or have you never thought of doing that?" There was no reply from the Time Lord, so her attention returned to the man's body. She found the sternum, and positioned her interlaced hands slightly below. Once she was sure she had correct form, she began to preform CPR. "I might be in Stormcage for killing you," she commented, while doing compressions, "but I'm not completely inconsiderate!"

Wearily, the Doctor leaned against the wall, massaging his temple. "Just whatever you do," he warned, "don't try mouth-to-mouth!"

"And why not?" River countered back, preparing to do mouth-to-mouth.

"Because..." he started, but he was too late.

River took a deep breath and pressed her lips firmly around the man's, breathing air through his mouth and into his lungs. To her unfortunate surprise, he chose this precise moment to come back to life. He gasped, instinctively grabbing hold of whatever was closest. Which, in this case, was River's upper thigh. She almost yelped in surprise, and deftly pushed him away.

"Did you kiss me?" the man asked, looking surprised as hell.

"Because he's Captain Jack Harkness," the Doctor completed, and face palmed.

River's lips twitched into a grimace. Her sapphire irises were alight with a fire that- given just the right amount of concentration- could have probably singed the eyebrows off his face. Well, maybe. His eyebrows were delicate; she might miss...

Ignoring the remote possibility of this, her eyes didsucceed in sending him a very clear message. It was the sort of mental message that screamed, _Well, you could have told me that earlier!_

"Oh, I hate you!" she growled at him.

He didn't utter a single word the rest of _this_ evening, either.


End file.
